Magazine for tourists

Table of contents

Kinds of tourism

Excursion (author BV Emelyanov)


1. Fundamentals Excursion

2. guided technique

3. Professional skills guide

Tunisia (author Danielle shetar Friedrich chum)

In the Sikhote-Alin (author VK Arseniev)

Michail bulgakov. the heart of a dog

Mikhail bulgakov. the master and margarita

Charlotte bronte. jane eyre

F. scott fitzgerald / the great gatsby

Jerome klapka jerome / three men in a boat

     Michail bulgakov. the heart of a dog


A winter afternoon in late January, the time before supper, the time

before the start of evening consulting hours. On the drawing-room doorpost

hung a sheet of paper, on which was written in Philip Philipovich's hand:

I forbid the consumption of sunflower seeds in this flat.

P. Preobrazhensky

Below this in big, thick letters Bormenthal had written in blue pencil:

Musical instruments may not be played between 7pm and 6am.

Then from Zina:

When you come back tell Philip Philipovich that he's gone out and I

don't know where to. Fyodor says he's with Shvonder.

Preobrazhensky's hand:

How much longer do I have to wait before the glazier comes?

Darya Petrovna (in block letters):

Zina has, gone out to the store, says she'll bring him back.

In the dining-room there was a cosy evening feeling, generated by the

lamp on the sideboard shining beneath its dark cerise shade. Its light was

reflected in random shafts all over the room, as the mirror was cracked from

side to side and had been stuck in place with a criss-cross of tape. Bending

over the table, Philip Philipovich was absorbed in the large double page of

an open newspaper. His face was working with fury and through his teeth

issued a jerky stream of abuse. This is what he was reading:

There's no doubt that it is his illegitimate (as they used to say in

rotten bourgeois society) son. This is how the pseudo-learned members of our

bourgeoisie amuse themselves. He will only keep his seven rooms until the

glittering sword ofjustice fi'ashes over him like a red ray. Sh . . . r.

Someone was hard at work playing a rousing tune on the balalaika two

rooms away and the sound of a series of intricate variations on 'The Moon is

Shining' mingled in Philip Philipovich's head with the words of the

sickening newspaper article. When he had read it he pretended to spit over

his shoulder and hummed absentmindedly through his teeth: ' "The moo-oon is

shining . . . shining bright . . . the moon is shining . . ." God, that

damned tune's on my brain!'

He rang. Zina's face appeared in the doorway.

'Tell him it's five o'clock and he's to shut up. Then tell him to come

here, please.'

Philip Philipovich sat down in an armchair beside his desk, a brown

cigar butt between the fingers of his left hand. Leaning against the

doorpost there stood, legs crossed, a short man of unpleasant appearance.

His hair grew in clumps of bristles like a stubble field and on his face was

a meadow of unsliaven fluff. His brow was strikingly low. A thick brush of

hair began almost immediately above his spreading eyebrows.

His jacket, torn under the left armpit, was covered with bits of straw,

his checked trousers had a hole on the right knee and the left leg was

stained with violet paint. Round the man's neck was a poisonously bright

blue tie with a gilt tiepin. The colour of the tie was so garish that

whenever Philip Philipovich covered his tired eyes and gazed at the complete

darkness of the ceiling or the wall, he imagined he saw a flaming torch with

a blue halo. As soon as he opened them he was blinded again, dazzled by a

pair of patent-leather boots with white spats.

'Like galoshes,' thought Philip Philipovich with disgust. He sighed,

sniffed and busied himself with relighting his dead cigar. The man in the

doorway stared at the professor with lacklustre eyes and smoked a cigarette,

dropping the ash down his shirtfront.

The clock on the wall beside a carved wooden grouse struck five

o'clock. The inside of the clock was still wheezing as Philip Philipovich


'I think I have asked you twice not to sleep by the stove in the

kitchen - particularly in the daytime.'

The man gave a hoarse cough as though he were choking on a bone and


'It's nicer in the kitchen.'

His voice had an odd quality, at once muffled yet resonant, as if he

were far away and talking into a small barrel.

Philip Philipovich shook his head and asked:

'Where on earth did you get that disgusting thing from? I mean your


Following the direction of the pointing finger, the man's eyes squinted

as he gazed lovingly down at his tie.

'What's disgusting about it?' he said. 'It's a very smart tie. Darya

Petrovna gave it to me.'

'In that case Darya Petrovna has very poor taste. Those boots are

almost as bad. Why did you get such horrible shiny ones? Where did you buy

them? What did I tell you? I told you to find yourself a pair of decent

boots. Just look at them. You don't mean to tell me that Doctor Bormenthal

chose them, do you?'

'I told him to get patent leather ones. Why shouldn't I wear them?

Everybody else does. If you go down Kuznetzky Street you'll see nearly

everybody wearing patent leather boots.'

Philip Philipovich shook his head and pronounced weightily:

'No more sleeping in the kitchen. Understand? I've never heard of such

behaviour. You're a nuisance there and the women don't like it.'

The man scowled and his lips began to pout.

'So what? Those women act as though they owned the place. They're just

maids, but you'd think they were commissars. It's Zina - she's always

bellyaching about me.'

Philip Philipovich gave him a stern look.

'Don't you dare talk about Zina in that tone of voice! Understand?'


'I'm asking you - do you understand?'

'Yes, I understand.'

'Take that trash off your neck. Sha . . . if you saw yourself in a

mirror you'd realise what a fright it makes you look. You look like a clown.

For the hundredth time - don't throw cigarette ends on to the floor. And I

don't want to hear any more swearing in this flat! And don't spit

everywhere! The spittoon's over there. Kindly take better aim when you pee.

Cease all further conversation with Zina. She complains that you lurk round

her room at night. And don't be rude to my patients! Where do'you think you

are - in some dive?'

'Don't be so hard on me. Dad,' the man suddenly said in a tearful


Philip Philipovich turned red and his spectacles flashed.

'Who are you calling "Dad"? What impertinent familiarity! I never want

to hear that word again! You will address me by my name and patronymic!'

The man flared up impudently: 'Oh, why can't you lay off? Don't spit .

. . don't smoke . . . don't go there, don't do this, don't do that . . .

sounds like the rules in a tram. Why don't you leave me alone, for God's

sake? And why shouldn't I call you "Dad", anyway? I didn't ask you to do the

operation, did I?' - the man barked indignantly - 'A nice business -you get

an animal, slice his head open and now you're sick of him. Perhaps I

wouldn't have given permission for the operation. Nor would . . . (the man

stared up at the ceiling as though trying to remember a phrase he had been

taught) . . . nor would my relatives. I bet I could sue you if I wanted to.'

Philip Philipovich's eyes grew quite round and his cigar fell out of

his fingers. 'Well, I'll be . . .' he thought to himself.

'So you object to having been turned into a human being, do you?' he

asked, frowning slightly. 'Perhaps you'd prefer to be sniffing around

dustbins again? Or freezing in doorways? Well, if I'd known that I wouldn't

. . .'

'So what if I had to eat out of dustbins? At least it was an honest

living. And supposing I'd died on your operating table? What d'you say to

that, comrade?'

'My name is Philip Philipovich!' exclaimed the professor irritably.

'I'm not your comrade! This is monstrous!' ('I can't stand it much longer,'

he thought to himself.)

'Oh, yes!' said the man sarcastically, triumphantly uncrossing his

legs. 'I know! Of course we're not comrades! How could we be? I didn't go to

college, I don't own a flat with fifteen rooms and a bathroom. Only all

that's changed now - now everybody has the right to . . .'

Growing rapidly paler, Philip Philipovich listened to the man's

argument. Then the creature stopped and swaggered demonstratively over to an

ashtray with a chewed butt-end in his fingers. He spent a long time stubbing

it out, with a look on his face which clearly said: 'Drop dead!' Having put

out his cigarette he suddenly clicked his teeth and poked his nose under his


'You're supposed to catch fleas with your fingersV shouted Philip

Philipovich in fury. 'Anyhow, how is it that you still have any fleas?'

'You don't think I breed them on purpose, do you?' said the man,

offended. 'I suppose fleas just like me, that's all.' With this he poked his

fingers through the lining of his jacket, scratched around and produced a

tuft of downy red hair.

Philip Philipovich turned his gaze upwards to the plaster rosette on

the ceiling and started drumming his fingers on the desk. Having caught his

flea, the man sat down in a chair, sticking his thumbs behind the lapels of

his jacket. Squinting down at the parquet, he inspected his boots, which

gave him great pleasure. Philip Philipovich also looked down at the

highlights glinting on the man's blunt-toed boots, frowned and enquired:

'What else were you going to say?'

'Oh, nothing, really. I need some papers, Philip Philipovich.'

Philip Philipovich winced. 'H'm . . . papers, eh? Really, well . . .

H'm . . . Perhaps we might . . .' His voice sounded vague and unhappy.

'Now, look,' said the man firmly. 'I can't manage without papers. After

all you know damn well that people who don't have any papers aren't allowed

to exist nowadays. To begin with, there's the house committee.'

'What does the house committee have to do with it?'

'A lot. Every time I meet one of them they ask me when I'm going to get


'Oh, God,' moaned Philip Philipovich. ' "Every time you meet one of

them ..." I can just imagine what you tell them. I thought I told you not to

hang about the staircases, anyway.'

'What am I - a convict?' said the man in amazement. His glow of

righteous indignation made even his fake ruby tiepin light up. "Hang about"

indeed! That's an insult. I walk about just like everybody else.'

So saying he wriggled his patent-leather feet.

Philip Philipovich said nothing, but looked away. 'One must restrain

oneself,' he thought, as he walked over to the sideboard and drank a

glassful of water at one gulp.

'I see,' he said rather more calmly. 'All right, I'll overlook your

tone of voice for the moment. What does your precious house committee say,


'Hell, I don't know exactly. Anyway, you needn't be sarcastic about the

house committee. It protects people's interests.'

'Whose interest, may I ask?'

'The workers', of course.'

Philip Philipovich opened his eyes wide. 'What makes you think that

you're a worker?'

'I must be - I'm not a capitalist.'

'Very well. How does the house committee propose to stand up for your

revolutionary rights?'

'Easy. Put me on the register. They say they've never heard of anybody

being allowed to live in Moscow without being registered. That's for a

start. But the most important thing is an identity card. I don't want to be

arrested for being a deserter.'

'And where, pray, am I supposed to register you? On that tablecloth or

on my own passport? One must, after all, be realistic. Don't forget that you

are . . . h'm, well. . . you are what you might call a ... an unnatural

phenomenon, an artefact . . .' Philip Philipovich sounded less and less


Triumphant, the man said nothing.

'Very well. Let's assume that in the end we shall have to register you,

if only to please this house committee of yours. The trouble is - you have

no name.'

'So what? I can easily choose one. Just put it in the newspapers and

there you are.'

'What do you propose to call yourself?'

The man straightened his tie and replied: Toligraph Poligraphovich.'

'Stop playing the fool,' groaned Philip Philipovich. 'I meant it


The man's face twitched sarcastically.

'I don't get it,' he said ingenuously. 'I mustn't swear. I mustn't

spit. Yet all you ever do is call me names. I suppose only professors are

allowed to swear in the RSFSR.'

Blood rushed to Philip Philipovich's face. He filled a glass, breaking

it as he did so. Having drunk from another one, he thought: 'Much more of

this, and he'll start teaching me how to behave, and he'll be right. I must

control myself.'

He turned round, made an exaggeratedly polite bow and said with iron

self-control: 'I beg your pardon. My nerves are slightly upset. Your name

struck me as a little odd, that is all. Where, as a matter of interest, did

you dig it up?'

'The house committee helped me. We looked in the calendar. And I chose

a name.'

'That name cannot possibly exist on any calendar.'

'Can't it?' The man grinned. 'Then how was it I found it on the

calendar in your consulting-room?'

Without getting up Philip Philipovich leaned over to the knob on the

wall and Zina appeared in answer to the bell.

'Bring me the calendar from the consulting-room.'

There was a pause. When Zina returned with the calendar, Philip

Philipovich asked: 'Where is it?'

'The name-day is March 4th.'

'Show me . . . h'm . . . dammit, throw the thing into the stove at

once.' Zina, blinking with fright, removed the calendar. The man shook his

head reprovingly.

'And what surname will you take?'

'I'll use my real name.'

'You're real name? What is it?'


Shvonder the house committee chairman was standing in his leather tunic

in front of the professor's desk. Doctor Bormen-thal was seated in an

armchair. The doctor's glowing face (he had just come in from the cold) wore

an expression whose perplexity was only equalled by that of Philip


'Write it?' he asked impatiently.

'Yes,' said Shvonder, 'it's not very difficult. Write a certificate,

professor. You know the sort of thing - 'This is to certify that the bearer

is really Poligraph Poligraphovich Sharikov . . . h'm, born in, h'm . . .

this flat.'

Bormenthal wriggled uneasily in his armchair. Philip Philipovich tugged

at his moustache.

'God dammit, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. He

wasn't born at all, he simply . . . well, he sort of..'

'That's your problem,' said Shvonder with quiet malice. 'It's up to you

to decide whether he was born or not ... It was your experiment, professor,

and you brought citizen Sharikov into the world.'

'It's all quite simple,' barked Sharikov from the glass-fronted

cabinet, where he was admiring the reflection of his tie.

'Kindly keep out of this conversation,' growled Philip Philipovich.

'It's not at all simple.'

'Why shouldn't I join in?' spluttered Sharikov in an offended voice,

and Shvonder instantly supported him.

'I'm sorry, professor, but citizen Sharikov is absolutely correct. He

has a right to take part in a discussion about his affairs, especially as

it's about his identity documents. An identity document is the most

important thing in the world.'

At that moment a deafening ring from the telephone cut into the

conversation. Philip Philipovich said into the receiver:

'Yes . . .', then reddened and shouted: 'Will you please not distract

me with trivialities. What's it to do with you?' And he hurled the receiver

back on to the hook.

Delight spread over Shvonder's face.

Purpling, Philip Philipovich roared: 'Right, let's get this finished.'

He tore a sheet of paper from a notepad and scribbled a few words, then

read it aloud in a voice of exasperation:

' "I hereby certify . . ." God, what am I supposed to certify? . . .

let's see . . . "That the bearer is a man created during a laboratory

experiment by means of an operation on the brain and that he requires

identity papers" . . .'I object in principle to his having these idiotic

documents, but still . . . Signed:

Professor Preobrazhensky! '

'Really, professor,' said Shvonder in an offended voice. 'What do you

mean by calling these documents idiotic? I can't allow an undocumented

tenant to go on living in this house, especially one who hasn't been

registered with the police for military service. Supposing war suddenly

breaks out with the imperialist aggressors?'

'I'm not going to fight!' yapped Sharikov.

Shvonder was dumbfounded, but quickly recovered himself and said

politely to Sharikov: 'I'm afraid you seem to be completely lacking in

political consciousness, citizen Sharikov. You must register for military

service at once.'

'I'll register, but I'm dammed if I'm going to fight,' answered

Sharikov nonchalantly, straightening his tie.

Now it was Shvonder's turn to be embarrassed. Preobraz-hensky exchanged

a look of grim complicity with Bormenthal, who nodded meaningly.

'I was badly wounded during the operation,' whined Sharikov. 'Look -

they cut me right open.' He pointed to his head. The scar of a fresh

surgical wound bisected his forehead.

'Are you an anarchist-individualist?' asked Shvonder, raising his


'I ought to be exempt on medical grounds,' said Sharikov.

'Well, there's no hurry about it,' said the disconcerted Shvonder.

'Meanwhile we'll send the professor's certificate to the police and they'll

issue your papers.'

'Er, look here . . .' Philip Philipovich suddenly interrupted him,

obviously struck by an idea. 'I suppose you don't liave a room to spare in

the house, do you? I'd be prepared to buy it.'

Yellowish sparks flashed in Shvonder's brown eyes.

'No, professor, I very much regret to say that we don't have a room.

And aren't likely to, either.'

Philip Philipovich clenched his teeth and said nothing. Again the

telephone rang as though to order. Without a word Philip Philipovich flicked

the receiver off the rest so that it hung down, spinning slightly, on its

blue cord. Everybody jumped. 'The old man's getting rattled,' thought

Bormenthal. With a glint in his eyes Shvonder bowed and went out.

Sharikov disappeared after him, his boots creaking.

The professor and Bormenthal were left alone. After a short silence,

Philip Philipovich shook his head gently and said:

'On my word of honour, this is becoming an absolute nightmare. Don't

you see? I swear, doctor, that I've suffered more these last fourteen days

than in the past fourteen years! I tell you, he's a scoundrel . . .'

From a distance came the faint tinkle of breaking glass, followed by a

stifled woman's scream, then silence. An evil spirit dashed down the

corridor, turned into the consulting-room where it produced another crash

and immediately turned back. Doors slammed and Darya Petrovna's low cry was

heard from the kitchen. There was a howl from Sharikov.

'Oh, God, what now!' cried Philip Philipovich, rushing for the door.

'A cat,' guessed Bormenthal and leaped after him. They ran down the

corridor into the hall, burst in, then turned into the passage leading to

the bathroom and the kitchen. Zina came dashing out of the kitchen and ran

full tilt into Philip Philipovich.

'How many times have I told you not to let cats into the flat,' shouted

Philip Philipovich in fury. 'Where is he? Ivan Amoldovich, for God's sake go

and calm the patients in the waiting-room!'

'He's in the bathroom, the devil,' cried Zina, panting. Philip

Philipovich hurled himself at the bathroom door, but it would not give way.

'Open up this minute!'

The only answer from the locked bathroom was the sound of something

leaping up at the walls, smashing glasses, and Sharikov's voice roaring

through the door: 'I'll kill you . . .'

Water could be heard gurgling through the pipes and pouring into the

bathtub. Philip Philipovich leaned against the door and tried to break it

open. Darya Petrovna, clothes torn and face distorted with anger, appeared

in the kitchen doorway. Then the glass transom window, high up in the wall

between the bathroom and the kitchen, shattered with a multiple crack. Two

large fragments crashed into the kitchen followed by a tabby cat of gigantic

proportions with a face like a policeman and a blue bow round its neck. It

fell on to the middle of the table, right into a long platter, which it

broke in half. From there it fell to the floor, turned round on three legs

as it waved the fourth in the air as though executing a dance-step, and

instantly streaked out through the back door, which was slightly ajar.The

door opened wider and the cat was replaced by the face of an old woman in a

headscarf, followed by her polka-dotted skirt. The old woman wiped her mouth

with her index and second fingers, stared round the kitchen with protruding

eyes that burned with curiosity and she said:

'Oh, my lord!'

Pale, Philip Philipovich crossed the kitchen and asked threateningly:

'What do you want?'

'I wanted to have a look at the talking dog,' replied the old woman

ingratiatingly and crossed herself. Philip Philipovich went even paler,

strode up to her and hissed: 'Get out of my kitchen this instant!'

The old woman tottered back toward the door and said plaintively:

'You needn't be so sharp, professor.'

'Get out, I say!' repeated Philip Philipovich and his eyes went as

round as the owl's. He personally slammed the door behind the old woman.

'Darya Petrovna, I've asked you before . . .'

'But Philip Philipovich,' replied Darya Petrovna in desperation,

clenching her hands, 'what can I do? People keep coming in all day long,

however often I throw them out.'

A dull, threatening roar of water was still coming from the bathroom,

although Sharikov was now silent. Doctor Bormenthal came in.

'Please, Ivan Amoldovich ... er... how many patients are there in the


'Eleven,' replied Bormenthal.

'Send them all away, please. I can't see any patients today.'

With a bony finger Philip Philipovich knocked on the bathroom door and

shouted: 'Come out at once! Why have you locked yourself in?'

'Oh . . . oh . . .!' replied Sharikov in tones of misery.

'What on earth ... I can't hear you - turn off the water.'

'Ow-wow! . . .'

'Turn off the water! What has he done? I don't understand . . .' cried

Philip Philipovich, working himself into a frenzy. Zina and Darya Petrovna

opened the kitchen door and peeped out. Once again Philip Philipovich

thundered on the bathroom door with his fist.

'There he is!' screamed Darya Petrovna from the kitchen. Philip

Philipovich rushed in. The distorted features of Poligraph Poligraphovich

appeared through the broken transom and leaned out into the kitchen .His

eyes were tear-stained and there was a long scratch down his nose, red with

fresh blood.

'Have you gone out of your mind?' asked Philip Philipovich. 'Why don't

you come out of there?'

Terrified and miserable, Sharikov stared around and replied:

'I've shut myself in.'

'Unlock the door, then. Haven't you ever seen a lock before?'

'The blasted thing won't open!' replied Poligraph, terrified.

'Oh, my God, he's shut the safety-catch too!' screamed Zina, wringing

her hands.

'There's a sort of button on the lock,' shouted Philip Philipovich,

trying to out-roar the water. 'Press it downwards . . . press it down!


Sharikov vanished, to reappear over the transom a minute later.

'I can't see a thing!' he barked in terror.

'Well, turn the light on then! He's gone crazy!'

'That damned cat smashed the bulb,' replied Sharikov, 'and when I tried

to catch the bastard by the leg I turned on the tap and now I can't find


Appalled, all three wrung their hands in horror.

Five minutes later Bormenthal, Zina and Darya Petrovna were sitting in

a row on a damp carpet that had been rolled up against the foot of the

bathroom door, pressing it hard with their bottoms. Fyodor the porter was

climbing up a ladder into the transom window, with the lighted candle from

Darya Petrovna's ikon in his hand. His posterior, clad in broad grey checks,

hovered in the air, then vanished through the opening.

'Ooh! . . . ow!' came Sharikov's strangled shriek above the roar of


Fyodor's voice was heard: 'There's nothing for it, Philip Philipovich,

we'll have to open the door and let the water out. We can mop it up from the


'Open it then!' shouted Philip Philipovich angrily.

The three got up from the carpet and pushed the bathroom door open.

Immediately a tidal wave gushed out into the passage, where it divided into

three streams - one straight into the lavatory opposite, one to the right

into the kitchen and one to the left into the hall. Splashing and prancing,

Zina shut the door into the hall. Fyodor emerged, up to his ankles in water,

and for some reason grinning. He was soaking wet and looked as if he were

wearing oilskins.

'The water-pressure was so strong, I only just managed to turn it off,'

he explained.

'Where is he?' asked Philip Philipovich, cursing as he lifted one wet


'He's afraid to come out,' said Fyodor, giggling stupidly.

'Will you beat me. Dad' came Sharikov's tearful voice from the


'You idiot!' was Philip Philipovich's terse reply.

Zina and Darya Petrovna, with bare legs and skirts tucked up to their

knees, and Sharikov and the porter barefoot with rolled-up trousers were

hard at work mopping up the kitchen floor with wet cloths, squeezing them

out into dirty buckets and into the sink. The abandoned stove roared away.

The water swirled out of the back door, down the well of the back staircase

and into the cellar.

On tiptoe, Bormenthal was standing in a deep puddle on the parquet

floor of the hall and talking through the crack of the front door, opened

only as far as the chain would allow.

'No consulting hours today, I'm afraid, the professor's not well.

Please keep away from the door, we have a burst pipe.

'But when can the professor see me?' a voice came through the door. 'It

wouldn't take a minute . . .'

'I'm sorry.' Bormenthal rocked back from his toes to his heels. 'The

professor's in bed and a pipe has burst. Come tomorrow. Zina dear, quickly

mop up the hall or it will start running down the front staircase.'

'There's too much - the cloths won't do it.'

'Never mind,' said Fyodor. 'We'll scoop it up with jugs.'

While the doorbell rang ceaselessly, Bormenthal stood up to his ankles

in water.

'When is the operation?' said an insistent voice as it tried to force

its way through the crack of the door.

'A pipe's burst . . .'

'But I've come in galoshes . . .'

Bluish silhouettes appeared outside the door.

'I'm sorry, it's impossible, please come tomorrow.'

'But I have an appointment.'

'Tomorrow. There's been a disaster in the water supply.'

Fyodor splashed about in the lake, scooping it up with a jug, but the

battle-scared Sharikov had thought up a new method. He rolled up an enormous

cloth, lay on his stomach in the water and pushed it backwards from the hall

towards the lavatory.

'What d'you think you're doing, you fool, slopping it all round the

flat?' fumed Darya Petrovna. 'Pour it into the sink.'

'How can I?' replied Sharikov, scooping up the murky water with his

hands. 'If I don't push it back into the flat it'll run out of the front


A bench was pushed creaking out of the corridor, with Philip

Philipovich riding unsteadily on it in his blue striped socks.

'Stop answering the door, Ivan Amoldovich. Go into the bedroom, you can

borrow a pair of my slippers.'

'Don't bother, Philip Philipovich, I'm all right.'

'You're wearing nothing but a pair of galoshes.'

'I don't mind. My feet are wet anyway.'

'Oh, my God!' Philip Philipovich was exhausted and depressed.

'Destructive animal!' Sharikov suddenly burst out as he squatted on the

floor, clutching a soup tureen.

Bormenthal slammed the door, unable to contain himself any longer and

burst into laughter. Philip Philipovich blew out his nostrils and his

spectacles glittered.

'What are you talking about?' he asked Sharikov from the eminence of

his bench.

'I was talking about the cat. Filthy swine,' answered Sharikov, his

eyes swivelling guiltily.

'Look here, Sharikov,' retorted Philip Philipovich, taking a deep

breath. 'I swear I have never seen a more impudent creature than you.'

Bormenthal giggled.

'You,' went on Philip Philipovich, 'are nothing but a lout. How dare

you say that? You caused the whole thing and you have the gall . . . No,

really! It's too much!'

'Tell me, Sharikov,' said Bormenthal, 'how much longer are you going to

chase cats? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. It's disgraceful! You're a


'Me - a savage?' snarled Sharikov. 'I'm no savage. I won't stand for

that cat in this flat. It only comes here to find what it can pinch. It

stole Darya's mincemeat. I wanted to teach it a lesson.'

'You should teach yourself a lesson!' replied Philip Philipovich. 'Just

take a look at your face in the mirror.'

'Nearly scratched my eyes out,' said Sharikov gloomily, wiping a dirty

hand across his eyes.

By the time that the water-blackened parquet had dried out a little,

all the mirrors were covered in a veil of condensed vapour and the doorbell

had stopped ringing. Philip Philipovich in red morocco slippers was standing

in the hall.

'There you are, Fyodor. Thank you.'

'Thank you very much, sir.'

'Mind you change your clothes straight away. No, wait -have a glass of

Darya Petrovna's vodka before you go.'

'Thank you, sir,' Fyodor squirmed awkwardly, then said:

'There is one more thing, Philip Philipovich. I'm sorry, I hardly like

to mention it, but it's the matter of the window-pane in No 7. Citizen

Sharikov threw some stones at it, you see . . .'

'Did he throw them at a cat?' asked Philip Philipovich, frowning like a


'Well, no, he was throwing them at the owner of the flat. He's

threatening to sue.'

'Oh, lord!'

'Sharikov tried to kiss their cook and they threw him out. They had a

bit of a fight, it seems.'

'For God's sake, do you have to tell me all these disasters at once?

How much?'

'One rouble and 50 kopecks.'

Philip Philipovich took out three shining 50-kopeck pieces and handed

them to Fyodor.

'And on top of it all you have to pay 1 rouble and 50 kopecks because

of that damned cat,' grumbled a voice from the doorway. 'It was all the

cat's fault . . .'

Philip Philipovich turned round, bit his lip and gripped Sharikov.

Without a word he pushed him into the waiting-room and locked the door.

Sharik immediately started to hammer on the door with his fists.

'Shut up!' shouted Philip Philipovich in a voice that was nearly


'This is the limit,' said Fyodor meaningfully. 'I've never seen such

impudence in my life.'

Bormenthal seemed to materialise out of the floor.

'Please, Philip Philipovich, don't upset yourself.'

The doctor thrust open the door into the waiting-room.

He could be heard saying: 'Where d'you think you are? In some dive?'

'That's it,' said Fyodor approvingly. 'Serve him right . . .a punch on

the ear's what he needs . . .'

'No, not that, Fyodor,' growled Philip Philipovich sadly. 'I think

you've just about had all you can take, Philip Philipovich.'

... previous page     next page...